Apologetic prologue: Please excuse my blatant self-pity and loathing throughout the past few blog posts, and this one. I did not intend this blog to become a collection of my perceptions of my apparant self-failures. However, it most likely will continue.
I am not assertive in my beliefs. I have discovered this. I think this stems from not being liked as a younger child, and having to work so hard to find friends, I have a pathological fear of offending people I know, because they might go away. And, oh sweet irony, I am becoming a member of the Church of Satan as soon as I turn 18, where my very title of Satanist will offend my Christian friends... Granted, I don't have to tell them, but you get it.
Like today, I posted that status, and it extended into a whole debate. But when two of my best friends are the ones who are debating, after a while, A. I start feeling like I'm treading water with some brainwashed fucktards, and B. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up at them, so instead of doing the logical thing, which is win, I erase the entire debate and simply bowed out. BOW OUT?! You don't bow out unless you can't win! *hits self in forehead* stupid stupid stupid! And then I had mixed feelings about the reply that Rowan posted. She basically posted all the points I made, but in a bitchy, pissed-off, confidant way. She made sure the opposite side got it. But it also reinforces the fact that I am not assertive at all.
God, this blog is really the only place I get my emotions out, plain, black and white. Sure, I write poetry too, and I post it other places, but it isn't clear, it's muddled through metaphor, unspecified subjects, and rhyme. And of course, all I manage to talk about in the blog is the one person who reads it.
She's on my mind a lot... More then I care to admit to anyone... Even myself. I've never even met this girl in person, and already she's what my thoughts revolve around. Ever since that 12 hour Skype call, I've been a mess. I'm sad because she's 200 miles away, and me with no fucking car, I'm happy that someone as stunningly beautiful as she would even continue talking to THIS loser, on and on, ad infinitum. She really is beautiful... She's funny, nice, artistic, a beautiful singer, an amazing writer, smarter then I am, and all around gorgeous in every aspect of the word.
And here I am, her creepy little stalker, who obssesses over her. I read her blog religiously. Both of them. AND her school project. I know almost everything about her, at least what she's let me see... but I don't want to know ABOUT her, I want to know HER. I doubt that will ever happen. As soon as I start to get close... she'll leave. Just like Ashlee, just like Trista...
God, I'm one fucked up little nerd, ain't I?
Yeah, you're fucked up. We all are, but it's your strength to admit that that makes you so awesome, that and you get ALL my references. :)
ReplyDeleteI doubt Rowan would really leave, and even if she does, you'll always have me. ALWAYS. Playdough buddies is some legit shit, that is for LIFE. YOU, sir, are stuck with me, and I happen to love you! <3 <3
I would NOT leave. You really get down on yourself much too much. You know that my love life is complicated, way more so than I'd like it to be, and obviously I can't guarantee that we'd ever have a chance to be together even if you did come to visit me. But I do like you, quite a bit. And I would ALWAYS continue to be your friend, as long as you wanted to be. I don't just fuck with people's heads for three years and then disappear. That's messed up.
ReplyDeleteOh, and, uh, this is kind of irrelevant, but I'm not a private person. What I let you see is almost everything there is. The only way you could... *IDEA IS FORMING*... *IDEA HAS ARRIVED* You know what? I'm going to post pictures of my artwork too. That's where you're missing a big chunk.
ReplyDeleteSee? I'm helping you stalk me :D