Decision Made

I have been hanging out with the girl I mentioned previously, and last night, after a post-makeout cuddle, she asked me what "we" were. I'm so glad she was cool, because I could have made a complete and utter DICK out of myself if she wasn't easy-going. I told her my story, (kept it real short, just generalities) and said, "I'm sorry. I do like you, but I don't want to hurt you, so I don't quite know what 'we' are yet."

So, hat is blue, tooth is gold, now my story is all told. Again, I repeated, "I don't want to hurt you. I'm afraid that's EXACTLY what I'm gonna end up doing." She told me the only way she wouldn't understand what I did was if I cheated or lied. As long as I was totally upfront, and not "spreading the love", she would understand. So, now my decision is as follows. Do I:

A. Commit to a relationship. This option is now possible due to previously stated upfront-ness clause of the relationship contract. Shall I decide to defect from said contract, as long as I was totally upfront and honest about it, no penalties will be incurred.

or

B. Decide to cut this off. This is the easiest option.

Well, I decided to go with option A. I am now in a relationship. :D



PS: Rowan, if you are reading this, this doesn't mean I've given up on you just yet. I just... need to branch out a little, I guess. I know you've been telling me to from day one, but I still feel like it's betraying you.

HAPPY BRANDON IS (mostly) HAPPY!

Still There

One hundred years is worth the wait
Or even much more, if that is my fate
I lay down to sleep another night
With you as a goal, it's worth the fight
To stay asleep, to stay with you
This is what I've been reduced to
No matter what, though, my alarm intervenes
Shatters even the sweetest of dreams

I have to wake to another day
of fake plastic smiles and the facade I'm okay
I sit and I wonder could we ever be?
I sit and I wonder, will I ever see?
He's yours, you love him, and he returns in kind
While I turn it over inside of my mind

And I sit alone, pathetic and weak
My facade may be macho, but sometimes it leaks
A poem, a tear, a thought of your face
More lovely then porcelain, more pretty then lace
And in these moments of deepest pain
When my eyes barely hold the torrential rain
I find some small solace in the exquisite despair
To know that my heart is even still there.

(I found this in my notes on my phone. I hazily remember writing a couplet, but not the whole thing. But I really liked it, I'm impressed more with what I don't remember then what I do. I think the one line I remember writing was "I lay down to sleep another night.")

If There Were A Context...

I would definitely tell you.

EPIC WAL-MART ADVENTURE (and some confused stuff afterwards)

Ok, so on Saturday, I went on an "Epic Wal-Mart Adventure" with a couple old friends and one person I just met. So what ended up happening, we wandered aimlessly around Wal-Mart for a couple hours, (I bought a toy guitar and walked around the store playing it, loads of fun!) and then we went on a drive up and around some back roads in my area (South Pine Creek, for those in the know!) all the while listening to Skillet, BFMV, and some other stuff. We took some pictures, had some fun, and just all around had a fuckin' good time.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: COOL ends here, it is confused musings from this point on.


So, one thing led to another, a girl was at my house. We were messing around, things happened, and we ended up making out for a good while, I have no idea how long. Now, I will be the first to tell you, I had fun. It was an AMAZING boon to my self esteem, that someone even remotely good-looking was willing to make out with me. (It deserves to be noted, she was the aggressive one, I just went with the flow, I having no experience in this area.) But after she left, and whatever euphoria she had inspired in me had worn off, I realized I had an enormous problem.

I kinda like this girl, and would not be totally disinterested in making a relationship out of this. But, what if Rowan suddenly breaks up with her boyfriend...? I mean, I love Rowan. I could put everyone involved in a emotional situation that will end in heartache for some or all. God, my love life is a fucking disaster...

Life irks me.

Wow

I keep finding awesome songs.

HUGE relief

I have discovered something that made me very sad, but then, after some research, I found out it's not as severe as I thought.


I DO NOT HAVE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Although I have a very narcissistic personality, I'm manipulative a lot of the time, self-centered and have illusions of self perfection, my pride is very easily bruised, and I tend to respond to criticism of myself with shame and anger. I can be very arrogant and condescending, as anyone who has known me for some time can tell you. This also accounts for my high/low self-esteem I talked about earlier. NOBODY loves me because I am God of wit and lord of charm. Not one person. Sure it may have started out that way, but people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are one-dimensionally narcissistic, 100% of the time. The ingredient I have that makes me not a person with NPD (other then the fact I can recognize and admit the possibility of me having it) is EMPATHY. I HATE hurting people I love. Sure, I might end up hurting them, but it is never intentional or preplanned, and I feel like a humongous dick afterwards. I will now run off a checklist of the symptoms for NPD I DO actually display:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships (sometimes)
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• 
  
• Keep in mind, the very fact I can consider that something may be wrong with me mentally and post it on a public forum automatically discounts me from NPD.
• 
  
• HOWEVER, I am a narcissist when I am insecure. When I was in a relationship with Trista, Ashlee, or, in a sense, Rowan, my symptoms were diminished to the point of almost being non-existent. As soon as turmoil was reintroduced, (in the case of Trista and Ashlee, breakup, in Rowan's case, her current relationship) however, I was almost immediately a narcissist again. So, basically, what I'm saying is, I really do have no control over this, I don't choose to get angry or shameful with criticism, I just do. But I don't do it to hurt you, I do it because I don't want to be hurt.
• 
  
• I irk me.

Songs That Speak To Me Part 3

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Got to, got to be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can't look, it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Because I'm Mr. Brightside
-Mr. Brightside by the Killers.


Faded away like the color in a blue sky at the end of the day.
Night falls and the search begins for something, something better than this.
A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I'm not sure they will save us this time.
I don't wanna be around
when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die...
Does it show?
I'm pathetic, I know.
I just can't stand here and watch you go.
I'm running after you (I'm running after you).
Helpless, cause my hands are tied.
Eyelids pinned back so they're open wide.
In a theatre, all alone in the front row,
to watch something beautiful die...
I don't think I want to know all the things he does better...
-Something Beautiful by Cauterize


Every time you almost died
I chased your soul to the sky and brought it back to you
Before your body knew that it was gone
Every cut that didn't scar
I know exactly where they are 
I wear them all for you
Your skin is such a nicer tissue...
I'm cutting off my wings, I don't deserve to fly
What the hell have I done, I almost let you die
I let you down my friend, I failed you once again
But this time is way too close, I can't save you...
-Skin for Scars by Cauterize


You're not alone
I know I'm far from home
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Do you wait for me again?
I'm screaming
No more days without you spent
It hurts
Wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see your face my
Heart's burst into fire
Heart's burst into fire
My bed's so cold, so lonely
No arms, just sheets to hold me
Has this world stopped turning?
Are we forever to be apart?
Forever to be apart?
-Hearts Burst Into Fire by Bullet For My Valentine

I have found my happy place. It is KumoriCon. I feel truly at home and among friends there. I can forget all about my troubles and school and my love life and just get hyped up on Pocky (also known as KumoriCon crack, a wafer stick dipped in a chocolate substance, currently only available to me at KumoriCon) and Ramune (a Japanese soda, also currently only available to me at the Con) and give out hugs to cosplayers. No one will judge me or hate me, no one will laugh or tune out of a conversation with me, I can truly be me, the dorky, witty nerd with a mastery of the English language and an eye for the tiniest details in a costume, and I will still find someone I can connect with. It is, without a doubt, my favorite place on Earth and a place where I can go and escape from the world. I can't wait till next year.