and it was off-the-wall. It was from left field. I both love and hate having dreams like this. I was going to consign this to oblivion RIGHT after I let Ren see it, but I couldn't. It was too, how do I put this... blog-worthy. So I will give you the dream, written down this morning, fresh from memory.
"Rowan had come to Tonasket and was staying at Ren's house. (My Dream-self knew it was Ren's house, but upon waking, I realized it was TOTALLY different.) Rowan had broken up with her boyfriend, right before he was to move to her city. She said she had realized she was too young and had too much of a life to live. She had tracked me down, because she knew me and wanted to see me. We went back to the house. She then lunged at me and started making out with me. I didn't fight it. Kristany called in the middle of it. She said she had found out where I was and who I was with, and had to break up with me because of it. I was a little sad, but not enough to cry. All of a sudden Rowan's ex busted in, with a gun. (pistol, to be precise.) He said he was brokenhearted at Rowan's "betrayal." (his words.) He pulled her off of me and to the opposite end of the room we were in, and pointed the gun at her. I grabbed a gun out of my pocket. (Before this point, it wasn't there.) I leveled it at his head and said I dared him to shoot her. (Wrong move IRL, but dream reality works differently.) He, of course, still loving her, hesitated. This gave Rowan some time. She took his gun, pistol-whipped him, knocking him unconscious, and emptied his magazine and chamber. (His ammunition of choice was AA batteries. Copper-tops. I found nothing weird about this.) I left her with his unconscious body, and ran to get help. (The idea that leaving MIGHT be a bad idea did not occur to me.) Not finding anybody willing to help, not even at the school, (it was raining, but no one but me seemed to notice the school roof was missing.) I ran back to Ren's house (apparently a 30-second run from town) and I heard crying. I snuck quietly to Ren's bedroom (but, again, only my dream-self.) and saw Rowan tied to the bed. [This was the most vivid scene in the dream.] She was upright, arms tied out to her sides, legs tied together at the ankles. The bed frame was wood, and she was so positioned that her lower leg was across the side panel. "You made me suffer, (here he runs his finger down her cheek, which is glistening with tears) and, so, I'll make you suffer, (here he brings his leg up, and slams his foot down onto her leg, there is a sickening crack as it breaks the bone.) With interest." I went to shoot him, but my gun was empty. In my head, I knew I needed AA batteries, and I needed to get them before he hurt her anymore. I went to Ren's kitchen, and was still searching the drawers when I woke up."
You can't make any of this up.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The reason I have a blog, and why I'm glad my girlfriend doesn't read it...
PART 1: The Past Returning
It's funny what a mind calls back at what times, isn't it? For example, me and Rowan. I haven't even really thought about her, or whatever weird thing it was that we had for however long. I know she might possibly read this, and this might sound horrible, but I'm over her.
Well, as over her as anyone can be over someone they loved in depth, I guess.
Anyway, I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song "Porcelain" by Cauterize came on. Not such a uncommon event, it's on my bedtime playlist. I like the song. But, tonight, it hit me (again) why I liked this song so much in the first place. Here's some lines from the song for hints.
Sat up for hours, thoughts of a lover I'll probably never get a chance to hold again...
I'm sharing a drink with a memory, and a laugh with an empty seat.
Do you still look the same? Will you still look at me the same?
Cuz I know that I don't, I've gotten so old in these last few years...
Forget for just one second, that this is not alright.
Let's drink to feeling nothing, at least, just for tonight...
Fell asleep with your ghost, woke up with a headache
From the cure that's only temporary,
then the morning always fails me.
In case you are either ignorant, or extremely dense, this is exactly how I felt about Rowan for a LONG time. And, I mean, there was no emotional realization that I still love her, and extremely theatrical weeping, screaming to a sky dumping rain, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... (dissolves to sobs.)?! None of that.
Just something like fond nostalgia. I was like,
"Yeah, she's pretty awesome. And yes, I loved her deeply, and, I will even concede, I was emotionally destroyed by her choosing someone other then me whom she loved more, but you know what? That's her choice. (I won't even say loss. I'm not that arrogant.) We crossed paths for a short, sweet while, I'm pretty sure even she would say it wasn't a bad thing, and, then, just as quickly as they crossed, they diverged again, and for right or wrong, we are both walking the path ahead of us. I hold no hard feelings, harbor no grudge, wish no ill, will be performing no destruction ritual. The scars, though deep they may have been (or seemed), are as healed as they will ever get, and I just hope she's happy."
PART 2: The Future Approaching
I've been thinking a LOT lately about my future going forward. I've been thinking about how big a mistake getting a degree in Theater could turn out to be, what I will and won't regret as I reach decrepitude, etc.
And I've decided, no matter what, that I WILL get this degree. I will NOT put aside my goals in the face of overwhelming odds, I will NOT give up my passion and resign myself to a life pushing papers for $13.00 bucks an hour. Not without a fight. The odds may be a bit of a gamble, but, by applicable deity, I WILL fight them. There's no other option for me.
But, the harder realization to come to is that, while I will NOT regret Kristany, I will have to, at the very least, take a break from the relationship. (How I Met Your Mother references coming up)
Right now, me and Kristany are Lilly and Marshall. Got together early, have basically slept with no one else, ever, are wanting to get married, move together, all that jazz. I don't want that, at least not now. Marshall is completely inexperienced. He has no idea what single life is like because he's never really been single.
I want to be able to live like Barney, no commitments, no ties, just lives in the moment, suits up, gets a girl, leaves her the next day, and end up like Ted.
He's lived the singles' life, he knows what he's looking for, he's felt all the emotions, knows definitively the line between love and lust and where it needs to sit, and is ready to settle down. I've wanted to be single my freshman year of college since forever, but I never expected to run into something this good. I could destroy this girl, and while I know this will be what's best for me, and probably for her, it might do irreversible harm to us and her, and I don't how well she'll deal.
I've felt this way before, I know how I'll react, what needs to be done to get over it, but she doesn't. She has been aware that all her previous boyfriends were douches, while I remained unaware that my girlfriend was a bitch. I'm scared she'll be so distraught she'll do something she'll regret.
Well, there you have it. The ramblings of this unfathomable mind of awesomeness. Hope you enjoyed it. Until next time,
Stay Nerdy All!
It's funny what a mind calls back at what times, isn't it? For example, me and Rowan. I haven't even really thought about her, or whatever weird thing it was that we had for however long. I know she might possibly read this, and this might sound horrible, but I'm over her.
Well, as over her as anyone can be over someone they loved in depth, I guess.
Anyway, I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song "Porcelain" by Cauterize came on. Not such a uncommon event, it's on my bedtime playlist. I like the song. But, tonight, it hit me (again) why I liked this song so much in the first place. Here's some lines from the song for hints.
Sat up for hours, thoughts of a lover I'll probably never get a chance to hold again...
I'm sharing a drink with a memory, and a laugh with an empty seat.
Do you still look the same? Will you still look at me the same?
Cuz I know that I don't, I've gotten so old in these last few years...
Forget for just one second, that this is not alright.
Let's drink to feeling nothing, at least, just for tonight...
Fell asleep with your ghost, woke up with a headache
From the cure that's only temporary,
then the morning always fails me.
In case you are either ignorant, or extremely dense, this is exactly how I felt about Rowan for a LONG time. And, I mean, there was no emotional realization that I still love her, and extremely theatrical weeping, screaming to a sky dumping rain, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... (dissolves to sobs.)?! None of that.
Just something like fond nostalgia. I was like,
"Yeah, she's pretty awesome. And yes, I loved her deeply, and, I will even concede, I was emotionally destroyed by her choosing someone other then me whom she loved more, but you know what? That's her choice. (I won't even say loss. I'm not that arrogant.) We crossed paths for a short, sweet while, I'm pretty sure even she would say it wasn't a bad thing, and, then, just as quickly as they crossed, they diverged again, and for right or wrong, we are both walking the path ahead of us. I hold no hard feelings, harbor no grudge, wish no ill, will be performing no destruction ritual. The scars, though deep they may have been (or seemed), are as healed as they will ever get, and I just hope she's happy."
PART 2: The Future Approaching
I've been thinking a LOT lately about my future going forward. I've been thinking about how big a mistake getting a degree in Theater could turn out to be, what I will and won't regret as I reach decrepitude, etc.
And I've decided, no matter what, that I WILL get this degree. I will NOT put aside my goals in the face of overwhelming odds, I will NOT give up my passion and resign myself to a life pushing papers for $13.00 bucks an hour. Not without a fight. The odds may be a bit of a gamble, but, by applicable deity, I WILL fight them. There's no other option for me.
But, the harder realization to come to is that, while I will NOT regret Kristany, I will have to, at the very least, take a break from the relationship. (How I Met Your Mother references coming up)
Right now, me and Kristany are Lilly and Marshall. Got together early, have basically slept with no one else, ever, are wanting to get married, move together, all that jazz. I don't want that, at least not now. Marshall is completely inexperienced. He has no idea what single life is like because he's never really been single.
I want to be able to live like Barney, no commitments, no ties, just lives in the moment, suits up, gets a girl, leaves her the next day, and end up like Ted.
He's lived the singles' life, he knows what he's looking for, he's felt all the emotions, knows definitively the line between love and lust and where it needs to sit, and is ready to settle down. I've wanted to be single my freshman year of college since forever, but I never expected to run into something this good. I could destroy this girl, and while I know this will be what's best for me, and probably for her, it might do irreversible harm to us and her, and I don't how well she'll deal.
I've felt this way before, I know how I'll react, what needs to be done to get over it, but she doesn't. She has been aware that all her previous boyfriends were douches, while I remained unaware that my girlfriend was a bitch. I'm scared she'll be so distraught she'll do something she'll regret.
Well, there you have it. The ramblings of this unfathomable mind of awesomeness. Hope you enjoyed it. Until next time,
Stay Nerdy All!
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