The reason I have a blog, and why I'm glad my girlfriend doesn't read it...

PART 1: The Past Returning

It's funny what a mind calls back at what times, isn't it? For example, me and Rowan. I haven't even really thought about her, or whatever weird thing it was that we had for however long. I know she might possibly read this, and this might sound horrible, but I'm over her.

Well, as over her as anyone can be over someone they loved in depth, I guess.

Anyway, I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song "Porcelain" by Cauterize came on. Not such a uncommon event, it's on my bedtime playlist. I like the song. But, tonight, it hit me (again) why I liked this song so much in the first place. Here's some lines from the song for hints.

Sat up for hours, thoughts of a lover I'll probably never get a chance to hold again...
I'm sharing a drink with a memory, and a laugh with an empty seat.
Do you still look the same? Will you still look at me the same?
Cuz I know that I don't, I've gotten so old in these last few years...


Forget for just one second, that this is not alright. 
Let's drink to feeling nothing, at least, just for tonight...


Fell asleep with your ghost, woke up with a headache
From the cure that's only temporary,
then the morning always fails me.

In case you are either ignorant, or extremely dense, this is exactly how I felt about Rowan for a LONG time. And, I mean, there was no emotional realization that I still love her, and extremely theatrical weeping, screaming to a sky dumping rain, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.... (dissolves to sobs.)?! None of that.

Just something like fond nostalgia. I was like,

"Yeah, she's pretty awesome. And yes, I loved her deeply, and, I will even concede, I was emotionally destroyed by her choosing someone other then me whom she loved more, but you know what? That's her choice. (I won't even say loss. I'm not that arrogant.) We crossed paths for a short, sweet while, I'm pretty sure even she would say it wasn't a bad thing, and, then, just as quickly as they crossed, they diverged again, and for right or wrong, we are both walking the path ahead of us. I hold no hard feelings, harbor no grudge, wish no ill, will be performing no destruction ritual. The scars, though deep they may have been (or seemed), are as healed as they will ever get, and I just hope she's happy."

PART 2: The Future Approaching

I've been thinking a LOT lately about my future going forward. I've been thinking about how big a mistake getting a degree in Theater could turn out to be, what I will and won't regret as I reach decrepitude, etc.

And I've decided, no matter what, that I WILL get this degree. I will NOT put aside my goals in the face of overwhelming odds, I will NOT give up my passion and resign myself to a life pushing papers for $13.00 bucks an hour. Not without a fight. The odds may be a bit of a gamble, but, by applicable deity, I WILL fight them. There's no other option for me.

But, the harder realization to come to is that, while I will NOT regret Kristany, I will have to, at the very least, take a break from the relationship. (How I Met Your Mother references coming up)

Right now, me and Kristany are Lilly and Marshall. Got together early, have basically slept with no one else, ever, are wanting to get married, move together, all that jazz. I don't want that, at least not now. Marshall is completely inexperienced. He has no idea what single life is like because he's never really been single.

 I want to be able to live like Barney, no commitments, no ties, just lives in the moment, suits up, gets a girl, leaves her the next day, and end up like Ted.

He's lived the singles' life, he knows what he's looking for, he's felt all the emotions, knows definitively the line between love and lust and where it needs to sit, and is ready to settle down. I've wanted to be single my freshman year of college since forever, but I never expected to run into something this good. I could destroy this girl, and while I know this will be what's best for me, and probably for her, it might do irreversible harm to us and her, and I don't how well she'll deal.

I've felt this way before, I know how I'll react, what needs to be done to get over it, but she doesn't. She has been aware that all her previous boyfriends were douches, while I remained unaware that my girlfriend was a bitch. I'm scared she'll be so distraught she'll do something she'll regret.

Well, there you have it. The ramblings of this unfathomable mind of awesomeness. Hope you enjoyed it. Until next time,

Stay Nerdy All!