Does it?

I wrote the following on a piece of paper, but it failed to get these emotions out in the way I wanted... I must have some strange need to put things I write in a place where they can, and almost certainly WILL, be read by the person I LEAST want to read it. Oh well, if I even want to THINK about sleep tonight, I need to get these out there.

I feel insignificant. I feel cheated. I feel like I'm being punished for some crime I don't know I committed, but is apparantly worth psychological near-torture. Hell, if I believed in a God, I would have an easy way out of thinking about this. But it's just so... I don't know a word for it. I apparantly can't face the fact I'm not desirable. I have no mystery, no "bad-boy" vibe, I don't know what I need to do to help myself out of this. First thing I think that pushed me off the edge is Rowan's blog. I love reading it. I love seeing her life put in her words and pictures, how only she can describe. Now comes the almighty word that ruins everything, but. BUT there's an element that's been added that sticks, as Morpheus put it, like a splinter in my mind, driving me mad. That element is HIM. I feel horrible about it on all fronts, and the more I analyze how I feel, the deeper the horrible goes. At first, it made me feel kind of minorly bad, because I'm forced to remember that I'm not the only one, which has been established before. Then she added "love" to it and that enhanced the negativity. Then I started thinking about why I felt this way. And I felt downright horrible about feeling bad about it because I feel like I'm betraying her by not being happy for her. This is followed by the fact that I feel horrible about it because she doesn't NEED me, which I again feel horrible about feeling because it has been established before. I am a very, very good friend, no more, no less. I'm just a friend she skypes with and gives shout outs to, and makes feel like a person, not just a face you see on the street or a hallway. How SHE makes ME feel is not her concern. SHE needs to be happy, not me. I'm sitting here falling for her, and I must be arrogant to want her to change how she feels, just for me.


I am that arrogant... does that make me horrible...?