I am losing it. I seriously am. My last shaky grips on my sanity are slipping. I'm torn in 2 different directions, and I'm about ready to tear. I don't WANT to be torn. I don't WANT to be that guy. But one person has cemented themselves so firmly in my heart that I don't even know if I can ever be over her completely... and no matter how deep I try to bury my feelings, or how much I pretend I don't love her or want to be with her, it's undeniable that it's true.
What Kristany is getting is just a small piece of all of me, not because the other girl owns it, or because Kristany doesn't want it, or because she doesn't deserve it, but simply because it still bears the marks of her opposition. The other girl's signature is on the largest parts of me, and I don't want Kristany to know that.
I feel like a horrible person. I'm hiding my feelings for someone else. And the person who I'm hiding feelings for lives on the other side of mountains, and who I've only met once in person, but who somehow managed to get me to love her, completely and totally. I would do anything for her. This is going to make me sound like a horrible dick and an obsessed lunatic, but if she asked me to, I cannot rule out the possibility of me breaking up with Kristany for her.
And I feel like I'm stringing Kristany along. Like I'm just using her as a substitute for what I can't have. And as much as I don't want that to be true, as much as I care for her as a person, I can't shake the feeling that subconsciously, she is just a stand-in. And the worst part is, I don't know how to be any different. I can't invest so much emotion, so much time, so much SELF in someone, and then when something new comes along, drop everything and start over. I think now I understand why she could choose the other guy over me. That doesn't change the fact that I love her, and that I still wish she would have stayed with me.
I really am a bastard, aren't I?
No, you're not a bastard. I know exactly what you're going through, and you're right, it's the reason I chose Phil over you. Over many new and exciting people over the years, although you were the hardest for me to cope with NOT choosing.
ReplyDeleteI have invested so much of my time and my energy and my love into this person that choosing anyone else would be a betrayal, not just to him, but to myself. I waited patiently until, magically, the time came that all those feelings were reciprocated in equal or greater measure. He's just as invested as I am now, tells me I'm the only thing he has left. He's MOVING here. So that worked out.
Here's the thing. The reason this was able to work out so beautifully for me is that he was never as emotionally invested in anyone else as I am in him. He dated someone else for a long time, but I don't think it had near the same intensity as what you and I are talking about here.
You can't wait for me, Brandon. I'm not available. I like you, even love you, but I'm simply not available. If Phil died or stopped loving me (god forbid both of those), I still wouldn't be available for years.
But you need to try. Please try to be happy. It will take time to build up such a repertoire with her as you have with me, or as I have with Phil, but it will happen. Time doesn't just heal all wounds, it also allows new things to grow.
And I really want you to be happy.
I know you do, and I want to be happy. But like you said, it feels like a betrayal to you AND myself, doesn't matter what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI know I sound like a broken record, I must've said all of this a thousand times before, but I'm just having to deal with losing you. I have dealt with rejection a thousand times, for a multitude of reasons. Rejection is easy. But, with this, this is something I had no way of preparing for or any way of dealing with.
From the second I fell in love with you, (and, to a slightly lesser extent, even now) I was totally ready to give everything up for you. What I'm having the hardest time dealing with, is Phil wasn't, for a long time. I realized what an amazing woman you are from the start, and he seemed to either not realize it or forget for the longest time.
I don't, and probably never will, get how he was so lucky. How you could love him so much that, even after everything, you could forgive him. But, also, as I've said before, all I want is for you to be happy, and he makes you happy, so I support this relationship. I wish you both the very best. But, I swear, if he does anything to hurt you, he won't be a very happy guy.